Well this is my first and probably last post from the city of angels. That is right I moved to Los Angeles. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I don't think that I made a very good decision. Maybe if things were going better for me here I would be singing a different tune, and maybe I am just getting down on myself as usual, but seriously nothing has gone my way since coming here.
Sure I have seen and done things I will probably never do again like going to a television taping and seeing a real movie filmed on the street. Maybe the ocean will never loook as good as the first time I saw, and maybe the Hollywood hills were only meant to see in books. I like it here, but I don't love it. It is big time, a ruthless place where you need to know what you want and exactly when you want it. I don't know any of those things. I am like a frightened child. I want so much to be great, but the truth arrives that I know nothing of it. I am poor and lonely and have nothing to show for my life.
I should probably jump at the chance to move back home and start new again. At least there I will have the support of my friends. But maybe that is too much, maybe I do need to scare myself a bit and make a real go of it. Maybe I should work hard at Best Buy and move into a tiny little apartment and never talk to anyone. Maybe I will cry myself to sleep at nite and then when I think I can't stand it any longer, I will write. I will write a movie and actually make some money. I have no confidence right now, I never did. maybe I am in LA to find courage and self confidence. Maybe I won't find anything at all.
It looks like I will be working at Best Buy, another blue polo shirt, dang it. I want to work on a film I want to smile and know what it feels like to be part of something so big. I feel pride when Ryan makes a film and I know I was there to add my little part. I don't know much, but I would love to learn. Maybe I am better off stickin with Adam and just hanging out with his dreams. Maybe someday I will have some money put together and make a film myself. The real world is just too hard. I know I am not the first person to realise this, but it sure seems like it. I am not totally screwed, but I am getting there.
At the very least Ben Folds is putting out new music.

"yesterday away from here, it froze me deep inside." - Ben Folds

I am living in Los Angeles, CA. So far it has been a worth while experience, but as the money wears down and Ryan remains super busy with his studies, I am finding myself thinking about money and it drives me crazy. I know that if I put my mind to it and try really hard that I can really make a go of it here, but do I really want to try so hard if I am not sure that I should even stay here? Oh well. I guess that is just something that I have to figure out for myself and hope that I can make my car payment while I am figuring it out.

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