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Monday, May 23, 2005
Sunday, May 08, 2005
The World is Brighter at 2 a.m.
Well it is awful late, but I am sitting here in the dark about to go to bed and I just have this over-whelming feeling. I don't know why I got so upset about the whole Heather situation. Well what little a situation it is. It turns out that while I am still very much attracted to her (how could I not be?), sometimes you just have to wait and see.
I realized that whether I like it or not, I do have people in my life that I depend on and that depend on me. Some of these people are women, women that I can not be intimate with, but they are comforting none the less. Take Gin. I went over to her house today to help her paint some walls. I was only there a few hours and we really didn't even talk much, but I still like being around her. I know she could never be with me again, the way we were once, but still I feel good when I see her and it helps me to cherish the times I did spend with her.
Beth came over with her fiance James tonight. While it just now occurred to me that I probably was a third wheel in my own house, I still get a feeling of comfort when I am around her. I know that she wants the best for me, Gin does too. And while I manage to spend very little time with either of them, when I do I don't nor will I ever regret it. Oh and Iron Chef French won the Eggplant battle just as I expected. Ha.
So this feeling of comfort with platonic relationships segues nicely into yet another failed attempt to attract a girl, only to have her become a friend, somewhat reluctantly. I think I have been avoiding Abbey, I know I have. I guess she must have sensed it because she is supposed to be in KC this weekend and I haven't heard a word from her. Maybe it is for the best. I hope that she recognizes that if she wants to spend time with me, she has to give me her full attention and I don't think she is ready to do that yet.
I guess all I am really trying to say is that if a new relationship fails to take fruition, then that is no reason to throw off your gloves and stomp off in a huff. There are various personalities in your life that, while they are not exactly what you think you need at the time, they will never leave you and always be there when you least expect them to be.
Another post souly about girls. Sigh. And here I thought I was coming into a new fresh thought pattern, but I guess it is all going to follow that track until I actually find what I am looking for. I will just add a few more things to stray this post a bit.
Adam is still working diligently on my new blog, I am liking what I see. It will certainly be interesting to see what it is like to acclimate myself to posting in a new format.
I decided that while no one in my family called me on my birthday, it is not fair to be mad at my mother. She has been having a very rough time with her health and I don't spend nearly enough time with her as it is. I fear that, that time may be running shorter and shorter. I do love my mom, she has a good heart and I hope and pray that she will just get better, she deserves it.
I realized that whether I like it or not, I do have people in my life that I depend on and that depend on me. Some of these people are women, women that I can not be intimate with, but they are comforting none the less. Take Gin. I went over to her house today to help her paint some walls. I was only there a few hours and we really didn't even talk much, but I still like being around her. I know she could never be with me again, the way we were once, but still I feel good when I see her and it helps me to cherish the times I did spend with her.
Beth came over with her fiance James tonight. While it just now occurred to me that I probably was a third wheel in my own house, I still get a feeling of comfort when I am around her. I know that she wants the best for me, Gin does too. And while I manage to spend very little time with either of them, when I do I don't nor will I ever regret it. Oh and Iron Chef French won the Eggplant battle just as I expected. Ha.
So this feeling of comfort with platonic relationships segues nicely into yet another failed attempt to attract a girl, only to have her become a friend, somewhat reluctantly. I think I have been avoiding Abbey, I know I have. I guess she must have sensed it because she is supposed to be in KC this weekend and I haven't heard a word from her. Maybe it is for the best. I hope that she recognizes that if she wants to spend time with me, she has to give me her full attention and I don't think she is ready to do that yet.
I guess all I am really trying to say is that if a new relationship fails to take fruition, then that is no reason to throw off your gloves and stomp off in a huff. There are various personalities in your life that, while they are not exactly what you think you need at the time, they will never leave you and always be there when you least expect them to be.
Another post souly about girls. Sigh. And here I thought I was coming into a new fresh thought pattern, but I guess it is all going to follow that track until I actually find what I am looking for. I will just add a few more things to stray this post a bit.
Adam is still working diligently on my new blog, I am liking what I see. It will certainly be interesting to see what it is like to acclimate myself to posting in a new format.
I decided that while no one in my family called me on my birthday, it is not fair to be mad at my mother. She has been having a very rough time with her health and I don't spend nearly enough time with her as it is. I fear that, that time may be running shorter and shorter. I do love my mom, she has a good heart and I hope and pray that she will just get better, she deserves it.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Rejection
It's a funny feeling that I will never get used to. I am a victim of the simple things.
Love is the ultimate confidence booster. Being shy, nervous or timid don't sell hip-hop records. I want to sell them. What a weird image. Ok, let's do this. $10 to the first person who can find the fastest way to make me truely happy. Because I am not really that happy, and this I fear is what has doomed my futile attempt to get a very hot girl to like me. She said I didn't seem like her type because I didn't talk much. I hate to pass the blame, but I was pressured and cornered to perform and I flippin caved like the Buffalo Bills in a Superbowl.
On a brighter note, I have music and that is all I need. I am going to coast through life until I get to leave this all behind at least for one weekend and hit the cool artic chill that is TO in May. This is what I am ready for, well that and you know what.
Love is the ultimate confidence booster. Being shy, nervous or timid don't sell hip-hop records. I want to sell them. What a weird image. Ok, let's do this. $10 to the first person who can find the fastest way to make me truely happy. Because I am not really that happy, and this I fear is what has doomed my futile attempt to get a very hot girl to like me. She said I didn't seem like her type because I didn't talk much. I hate to pass the blame, but I was pressured and cornered to perform and I flippin caved like the Buffalo Bills in a Superbowl.
On a brighter note, I have music and that is all I need. I am going to coast through life until I get to leave this all behind at least for one weekend and hit the cool artic chill that is TO in May. This is what I am ready for, well that and you know what.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Our Bodies are made out of wood.
From DictIANary.com
Ideal - adj. This is something I often think I want. I rarely get it, or I glimpse it and never get it back.
Fantasy -n. A movie. Where I often expect my life to be.
"Eggs in a Basket" - They are probably just eggs, just don't put all you have in the same basket, because when or if you drop
them, you will be screwed.
Odometer - n. Quite possibly the one instrument keeping me from potentially finding a girlfriend.
Green - n. What keeps me where I am.
Negative - adj. The way I always seem to come across as, even if it isn't true. Not to be confused with depression. See Insecure.
Insecure - adj. Usually causes Fantasy and Negativity. State of mind that even 25 yrs into it can not be shaked.
Pressure - v? My greatest enemy. Causes irrational thought and the "wuss-out" effect.
Down - adj. What everyone thinks I am without bothering to ask me.
So the weekend didn't quite go my way and while other's assure me not to worry, I think that comfort begets comfort and I had a thorn in my ass. And I chain on my neck....
??????
Ideal - adj. This is something I often think I want. I rarely get it, or I glimpse it and never get it back.
Fantasy -n. A movie. Where I often expect my life to be.
"Eggs in a Basket" - They are probably just eggs, just don't put all you have in the same basket, because when or if you drop
them, you will be screwed.
Odometer - n. Quite possibly the one instrument keeping me from potentially finding a girlfriend.
Green - n. What keeps me where I am.
Negative - adj. The way I always seem to come across as, even if it isn't true. Not to be confused with depression. See Insecure.
Insecure - adj. Usually causes Fantasy and Negativity. State of mind that even 25 yrs into it can not be shaked.
Pressure - v? My greatest enemy. Causes irrational thought and the "wuss-out" effect.
Down - adj. What everyone thinks I am without bothering to ask me.
So the weekend didn't quite go my way and while other's assure me not to worry, I think that comfort begets comfort and I had a thorn in my ass. And I chain on my neck....
??????
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