I really don't have anything to say, but I didn't want to go to sleep just yet. I didn't do anyhting after work tonite. I watchedthe Trading Spaces marathon on TLC. I still love my little ITC ripoff, but noone else has said anything, oh well. It is the little things that amuse me. I am poor. I know I probably say that alot but there are certain things that I would like to get to make my life seem better. For instance, hup caps, a rug for my room, a desk for my room, wall tubing for my surround sound speakers, my power steering on my car fixed. I could probably think of a millions things. How pathetic is that ??? Oh well, I am not unhappy, but every little bit helps. I guess that is really all I have to say right now, so on that note I will say good night. bye the way I am typing this using all the proper fingers that I learned in typing class, it is harder than I remember. hehe, I will talk to you all later

you know how certain people, strangers, can just stand uncomfortably close when they try to talk to you? I know you all know what I am talkin about, it has happened to everyone. Well I saw it happen today right in front of me in line at the bank. You notice things easier when you are a third person. Also today when I went in to get my paycheck there was a girl working who wasn't 21 and couldn't ring up alcohol. She has two kids and still can't legally drink, but that is besides the point. I told her I would ring up this huge liquor purchase that was like $124. She called me selfless! I don't know if I would define selling an extraordinary amount of wild turkey and milwaukee's best to an old couple as selfless, but oh well, it made me laugh.....

I know I have put off writing this but I wasn't sure what to say. This past weekend I went to OKC to visit my roommate Ryan. He turned 21 and wanted me to come down and see the sights. So I did, being the good roommate that I am. We went to Bricktown, visited a bar, wherein we found people twice our age so we drank one beer and left. We went to the bombing memorial, which was quite touching and got me thinking back to 1995 when it all happened. We also got some shots for the long awaited Ian Propaganda film "For your Eyes only" this was filmed at the wonderful Myriad Gardens in downtown OKC. I also got a flat tire on the way home while I was in Tulsa, go figure..Other than that the rest of the week has been spent working and trying to talk to abbey. I did manage to get a hold of her twice this week and she had visitors both times so we didn't get to talk too terribly long, which incidentally was probably a good thing seeing as how I am getting the feeling that i am repeating myself whne i talk to her simply b/c nothing is going on in my life! I did however express the desire to see her more and she humbly replied " you can drop by anytime you want...just call first" I suppose for now that will suffice. I don't want her to think I am a shlock or anything, which she most definately will if she ever gets around to reading this blog. those who read must message board comments access to the right....

The long awaited Dinner With Abbey story. Well it goes something like this. That girl has got to know that I have a thing for her. I had wine, I had a candle, I made a wonderful italian chicken and pasta dish that was phenomenal, even by my standards. I served salad and bread sticks to boot. I thought we had great dinner conversation becasue she even commented that it was taking her longer to eat than normal because we were talking. After dinner, I invited her to stay and watch "When Harry Met Sally" a rousing tale about how to make two lovers of friends. I thought at this point I was a shoe in. Although I had to persuade her to stay she did. I sat fairly close to her although we were on the larger couch ( an obvious error in hindsight) I touched her neck at one point and her arm once or twice. I know it may sound lame that I know all the times I made casual contact with her, but that kind of touching is important in a relationship. I thought for sure a few times after the movie that I was going to tell her how I felt, but it ended up that she was showing me yoga moves and I didn't find an in. So basically I wussed out on telling her my feelings. After the movie she stayed for somewhere between a half hour to an hour talking to me about stuff and then she finally had to go. She said she had to go once before but stayed for quite a bit after that. If she knew that I was digging her she didn't let on. I finally managed to mustard up the following : "We do need to do things like this more often" and to this she replied, "You can make me dinner anytime you want." I walked her to the door feeling a void in my chest for having not said anything more and then SHE hugged me goodbye. Sure I held on a little longer than neccesary, but I have it bad for this girl. That was that I excahnged a few more bits of conversation as she walked to her car and told her that I would call her when I got back into town from OKC. she agreed and I went inside. I was physically and verbally upset for having not revealed my true feeling to her. one would think she would have figured it out by now after the pottery thing and a home cooked meal. I suspect she isn't into me romantically and doesn't have the heart to tell me. I attributed my unwillingness to share my feelings with her to the fact that my father worked the graveyard shift when i was a kid. I even considered calling her that night and telling her that. She my dad really wasn't a big part of my life until High school when my parents got divorced and I fear all the time I spent with my mom made me fearful and sensitive. I just didn't have the guts to come right out and tell her how i felt because I didn't have a strong father figure. go figure....message board your comments.

Lately it seems my life has been saturated with love. Love, something which it seems I know nothing of. My mother is getting remarried. My roommates, two of count seem to have found a love of sorts in there own ways. I have a date with destiny tommorow night and fear for its outcome. My heart wants one thing and my hands, the giver of my pleasure and thoughts that are my writings, hurt. It means that i have feelings so strong that I know not what to do. Maybe it is possible to be happy even among the greatest adversity. I just finished watching Shakesphere in Love and there was certainly a forbidden love there. Jake knows all about it. And who the hell am I to say what is the way it should be. I am just an unexperienced letch. I went to Osco today to purchase the wine for my dinner plans tommorow and a few of the women at work laughed at me, I suppose I looked too young to be making such a grown-up purchase. I suppose maybe I am, in my own way. My brother too knows of love it seems. He is living with his muse. I linked his site to my Blog so he can finally get alittle more attention. I am urging him to update it more frequently. Go check out his web page and offer him suggestions. That is all I have for now.

hi

It has come to my attention that when I do my blog it is filling with sorry self-absorbed thoughts. To some, or perhpas just one, it comes across as trite and boring. I mean who cares what I think anyways? hehe. At any rate I will do my best to write more about what happens around that all the lovely people out there miss out on. One thing would be the unsaid tension that exists between me and my roommate right now, while he may not know it is there, it is. He will probably read this at some point, but oh well. Today at Osco I worked with Alicia. She is a nice girl, pretty too. I was never totally convinced I could ever be in a relationship with her. I mean I am attracted to her, but I just knew deep down that it would never work. I just may be right. Shaun, another employee of mine told me a riviting story about how Alicia came over to his house and started "sending signals" if you will, whatever that means. Regardless she then proceeded to tell me that she didn't like him that way and was afraid he liked her. She is a tease. I knew it. She's cool though, I just know to stay away from her :) I worked in the liquor department at work today for 3 hrs b/c I guess we were short? It was very very quiet up there and I basically had nothing to do. I read the tabloids and did a word search, but htat isn't the story. The story is about an older gentleman who came in asking for a 1/2 pint of vodka. At first I just thought that he was more privy to the bottle than you or I, as most older folks are, but upon firther investigation I realized that this man was probably homeless, not to mention a loon. I felt bad for him as he rambled on about how cops hate war vets and how they would pour his liqour out if he was spotted by them. I felt bad, but the kicker is I didn't have the heart to tell him that I shouldn't sell the vodka to him. I sold him two small bottles of hard liqour and he left to drink himself into a stuper. I felt horrible. I felt like somehow I was contributing to the worst things in america, alcoholism and homelessness. It kinda put my whole life and how I have been living it into perspective. Maybe I am not being the best person I can be. Maybe I am thinking with my penis even more than Jake. Maybe I sin just a bit more than I should. It just makes me sad that an old insane gunmen in lord knows what war was the only thing to make me realize this. It is truely a twisted world......message board your thoughts.

Well today i came to the realization that nothing is going the way I planned. I am still a child in various ways. I need to get new car insurance seeing as how I don't currently have any. I am afraid to take the plunge in my personal life as well as porfessional. I need to get to the point where I am willing to sacrifice things that I hold dear to improve my standard of living. I would like to have more money coming in so I can release some of the stress I have associated with money. I need a better job. I need to tell Abbey I think the world of her, and whether she believes me or not I want to BE with her. I am such a wuss. I literally have nothing to lose with her, if I creep her out and she never wants to talk to me again, well that is about the way it is now, she never calls me anyways. This can be attributed to the 50's idea that the man should call or it could be that she is just not interested in me that way. I wish she was aggressive and could tell me one way or another. :( Where am I going?????

I am going to try to get Rock Over London to play with Wesley Willis in Springfield, MO

I am home alone. I figure I have this fancy new BLog and a brain to match so I might as well wirte on it. I do fear that i may be spending too much time on the computer, but I never really do anything on here, surf the same 5 web pages and then look at my own. Lame lame lame. At any rate I am still up in arms about my current living situation. I just don't want to be stuck here all the time. I think that if I moved to a larger city there would be more things to do, but the truth is that i would probably still sit at home and watch Tv b/c I have no money. Right now i want to leave and go do something, but I have no grip andI am kinda hoping abbey will call me tonite. If she doens't I will understand. She might come in from KC late and have to sleep so she can work tommorow. I don'twork til 4 tommorow so tonite seems like a good time to see her, if not then I may invite her over Wed and cook for her and see what happens. lately I have been trying to get a hold of Alice 95.5 to see if they will play "Rockin the Suburbs" on their station, but the number i found just keeps ringing and ringing. jerks.

Well today marks the day of my new Blog template. Put together by the wonderful Kristen over at Immabrat.com. It looks great. Now if I can just get more folks to read it....I am working on that though. Today iwork 8hrs and really don't feel like it. I slept from eyes shut to alarm without interuption. So why am I up now? I could have slept the day away and been none the wiser.At any rate Today is Sunday and I will hopefully see abbey. If I do I hope that it works out well. I gave her the link to this Blog, I wonder if she read any of it? And what did she think? By the way, Cozmo got quite the haircut the other day, he looks funny. I pray that it grows back soon.

Well there seems to be something brewing in the Ian Camp. Nothing of noble worth, but I suppose it is worth mentioning. This past week was not exactly the thrill ride I am sure you are imagining. I had three days off in light of the cancelled plans with Evans. This was to be expected in my heart of hearts, but that is cool. Instead I spent a great deal of time sleeping and when possible spending time Candice. I went to see her at work once to past the time and a second time to take Cozmo aka Spawn of Satan to get some shots and a haircut. Both times I discovered a dead cat. So it seems the Grim Reaper is on my side. In what Capacity I don't even want to begin to know. I talked to Abbey after what seemed like an eternity and was more pleasurable than I could imagine. I like her a great deal. She is full of life. Tonight Candice, Jake and I went to see A Knight's Tale tonight. A guilty pleasure I finally took in. It was great entertianment. It had this underlying theme of The Poor kid does good. this provides great hope for a street rat like myself. And with that said I will be off, but will hopefully get the chance to add more to this tale tonight, or if not in the morning. G'day.

I decided this evening that I am living in a fairy tale without the happy ending. Well basically without the climax, the beginning or the happy ending. I am living my life day to day trying not to let things like bills or how well my car runs get to me. I try not to let the fact that Ginny the one girl I thought I could love whole heartedly doesn't want me. Through all this and probably a million other things that seem petty to everyone but me I have endured somehow. I manage a smile on my face, partly becasue I know deep down I know lots of other people have it worse than me. I am just an ordinary guy, and all I want is to be loved, is that so wrong? I read my horoscope, I drink chocolate milk, I hate money but could use more of it. I want to fly away to a distant country at a moments notice, I want to spend a weekend in Vegas. But, it seems, God doesn't have these things in my plan. There is a sinking feeling in my chest when I think about all this. I am utterly alone with this on my mind. It could drive someone nuts. But not me, I take it as it comes. I buy things I can't afford, I consider crying myself to sleep, but then decide that the depression that goes along with it is too much for even me to handle. My mother told me once shortly after my parents decided to separate and she revealed to me that her grandfather had abused her, it was a rather intimate setting just me and her on my bed, she told me never under any circumstance to bottle things in. This perhaps lead me to become a writer, spilling important facts about my life on paper. I try to share my feelings, and sometimes I feel I do it too often. At any rate, I have grown in the person I am today. I am nerotic, selfish at times, giving at other times, I have sincere feelings for dozens of people and I don't see myself changing. I may be insecure, I may even be fleetingly hopeless at times, but I take everyday as it comes and let things lie. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect, I have problems. It keeps me original, keeps me on my toes. Without struggle what do we have? I have a pit, a void within me that needs to be filled wants to be filled, but alas I don't know the first thing to do to fill it.

I am finally Blogging after several days in Kansas City. My time is limited b/c I haveto work in fifteen minutes. One of those Magazine contest reminiscent of the california girl. He talked my ear off for ten minutes leaving me little time to write all sorts of interesting things. Things about Gin. The short abbreviated version is that she wants to be "just friends" and she tells me this after I come across perhaps a bit stronger than I would have imagined. As a result our special day on the 18th has been reduced to a faint memory. You guessed it, she cancelled on me for fear that she was sending the wrong signals, in my opinion, she was. The Warped tour broke my pocket book so to speak, but it was a good experience in the hot blistering sun. The Vandals and Less Than Jake took the show in my eyes. I loved it. My brother spent this past week in springfield with me and while I suspect he was bored alot, it was nice to see him. I let him drive my car nearly every chance I got. I think he enjoyed that. The St. Louis Blues have been making several key line changes including trading Turek, losing Turgeon, and adding Mike Keane and Doug Weight. I haven't talked to Abbey in about a week and a half. She is currently in STL for a roommates wedding. Which reminds me that Gin and I went to the wedding of the lovely Becky Larson who was present at the downfall of Gin and I's relationship. Ironic isn't it? I guess Gin is on the brain this week, but Laurel came over last night and provided a new perspective on the whole thing plus provided much needed cuddling time as we watched "When Harry met Sally" a fine fine film. Well I do have tons more to say, but Osco beckons and I will leave you with this. I saw on TV the other day that a 7-time Tennis champion designed a new GOLF driver that could hitter balls further and consistantly every time. He is a Tennis pro, does anyone else see a problem here?? Thanx for listening.