What is the deal with me not finding a job? I guess I am not trying hard enough. I should have gone to the apply to be a waiter at 54th st. I really dont want to pull myself down but it is certain that is what I need to do. Changed a bunch of icons on my computer today, no big deal. I hope someone calls tommorow about a job. I am running out of dough....

Currently I am in LA avoiding Best Buy. Ryan is probably going to stay now. What do I do??????

I liked that

Well my father was right, I can do anything I want. And apparently I have been doing it behind my back. After doing a simple search for my name on the world reknowned Google Search Engine, it turns out that not only do I play first base for a little league baseball team, but I am also a guitarist for the metal band, severcord?, as well as a miner and a Limmerick Champion. It also came to my attention that I am a 23 year old college graduate with a lot of life to look forward to. I think with that I have decided to return to Kansas City and live with Adam Jones. Adam is a graphic designer/ photographer that apparently holds dual P.H.D.s in genetics and international studies. Adam and I seem to have alot in common, because I guess he recently signed on to play ball with the Seattle Mariners. Life is funny that way....

Well this is my first and probably last post from the city of angels. That is right I moved to Los Angeles. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I don't think that I made a very good decision. Maybe if things were going better for me here I would be singing a different tune, and maybe I am just getting down on myself as usual, but seriously nothing has gone my way since coming here.
Sure I have seen and done things I will probably never do again like going to a television taping and seeing a real movie filmed on the street. Maybe the ocean will never loook as good as the first time I saw, and maybe the Hollywood hills were only meant to see in books. I like it here, but I don't love it. It is big time, a ruthless place where you need to know what you want and exactly when you want it. I don't know any of those things. I am like a frightened child. I want so much to be great, but the truth arrives that I know nothing of it. I am poor and lonely and have nothing to show for my life.
I should probably jump at the chance to move back home and start new again. At least there I will have the support of my friends. But maybe that is too much, maybe I do need to scare myself a bit and make a real go of it. Maybe I should work hard at Best Buy and move into a tiny little apartment and never talk to anyone. Maybe I will cry myself to sleep at nite and then when I think I can't stand it any longer, I will write. I will write a movie and actually make some money. I have no confidence right now, I never did. maybe I am in LA to find courage and self confidence. Maybe I won't find anything at all.
It looks like I will be working at Best Buy, another blue polo shirt, dang it. I want to work on a film I want to smile and know what it feels like to be part of something so big. I feel pride when Ryan makes a film and I know I was there to add my little part. I don't know much, but I would love to learn. Maybe I am better off stickin with Adam and just hanging out with his dreams. Maybe someday I will have some money put together and make a film myself. The real world is just too hard. I know I am not the first person to realise this, but it sure seems like it. I am not totally screwed, but I am getting there.
At the very least Ben Folds is putting out new music.

"yesterday away from here, it froze me deep inside." - Ben Folds

I am living in Los Angeles, CA. So far it has been a worth while experience, but as the money wears down and Ryan remains super busy with his studies, I am finding myself thinking about money and it drives me crazy. I know that if I put my mind to it and try really hard that I can really make a go of it here, but do I really want to try so hard if I am not sure that I should even stay here? Oh well. I guess that is just something that I have to figure out for myself and hope that I can make my car payment while I am figuring it out.

This is a new Blog

I am home alone and the house smells. Our sewage has backed up in the basement, basically allowing the Ratsnest to live up to its name. We have ants and the house stinks, this place sucks. We have to move out in two weeks and it is very scary. I am not really sure where everything is going these days, but I am sure that it will not work out hte way I want it to. Where will I keep all my stuff, should I get rid of all my stuff? I want my bed and desk, but outside of that I dont need anything really. Maybe I should start packing? I am going to California soon, but we have no place to stay. Life is up in the air, and I hate it. I want, and all day I want more, want different things. I want to write more but now I am thinking too much, will I live with Marty, or Adam. Will my bills get paid on time, will I be happy, will I have sex. It is very frustrating not to know anything at all. Blah. :)

Well This weekend was pretty good. I spent most of it helping Ryan with a film project for one of his classes, it was kinda boring and I didn't do a whole lot. But that is far from the best part. Sat. night I went over to Beth's for her 21st. birthday. I didn't show up til about midnight becasue of the filming taking place over at the ratsnest. I got there and Beth was so happy to see me. At first, I honestly didn't feel like going. but I knew that I would catch hell if I didn't at least show up. I actually ended up having a really good time. Beth was floored when I got there and I was going to get pretty happy myself. Beth has this talent for making me out to be the absolute greatest guy in the world when I go to her parties. It really feeds the confidence level. So I took some shots and actually began the process of talking to girls. Somewhere in between Beth raised the issue of 21 kisses for her birthday. I began and I did honestly take some liberties and kissed her on the lips. Basically she was all over me most of the night and ended up kissing me a few more times. But this wasn't even my favorite part. It may sound bad, but iam going to write it anyways. Beth is a twin, and by definition her brother was also celebrating his birthday. I had met him once before, but he wasn't nearly as drunk. He's a great guy and his girlfriend is even greater. Not only is she smokin hot, but she seemed to warm up to me. I guess Beth playing me up didn't hurt in this department. At any rate, every chance I got I was with Rachel, either with my arm around her or my hand on her leg. She really came across as easy to talk to and fun to be with. I wish I could go into more detail, but it surely wouldn't do her any justice. She is a smaller girl, and I remember seeing her once before, but didn't say much to her. I can't believe how attracted I was to her. As much as I liked Abbey, this is like ten times greater, it is a full 24 hrs later and I still can't stop talking about her. The weirdest part is, is towards the end of the night I offered a shot to Rachel. She agreed after some coaxing. I guess it didn't sit too well with her, because she threw up. And here is the thing, after Beth basically threw herself at me, we kissed several times, well even after that I was so happy that Rachel was throwing up. I guess its my nurturing nature, standing there rubbing her back and telling her everything was fine was by far the greatest moment of my night. It put any kisses between Beth and I to shame. Isn't that weird? She was very responsive to my actions and it felt great. If only she didn't have a boyfriend. That is always the way it works I guess. I am now debating whether or not to contact her. it sounds good now, but it might ruin things. Such is life........

I am in that place again. God always does this to me. He has this way of making me realize that I am not living for him and rather than push me too, it depresses me really. I turned down a job this week that would have given me more pay. I just didn't feel like that timing was right to do it. I am swearing off girls for awhile, but it still hurts to see hot ones running around all over. I went to Icthus tonight and it put me in that place. I see all these girls everywhere and all I wanted to do was go home and sit in my room alone where they can't get to me. It is sad really, how did it even come to this? I lack any sort of drive. I know that I have it at least temporarily, but all it seems to accomplish is mpping the floor or making stir-fry. maybe I need one of those Tony Little, Tony Robbins sort of guys to instill alittle pep into me and give me a bit of joy to move out and build on those small opportunities I get. Right now it just seems like I crush them all right when they get at my feet. I can't understand it either, everyone around me is moving forward andI am just sitting here and blogging, my God. Why can't a girl just come along and pull my head above water and show me that there is nothing to worry about . I can't even decide where I want to live after the Ratsnest. Maybe I should just man up and live with Adam, at least that would be a temporary thing that I could build on. Marty doesn't seem to be bringing much jump my way and Ryan is just hell-bend on a decent career. Ryan will make it and it will just bring me down to see him suceed. Isn't that wierd? Screw it all, in 6 months who knows I will probably move in with Matt W. and work at Fridays or something til I reach a real breaking point. I may even stop talking to every single person I kow and love in order to gain some sort of emotional clarity. BLAH

I am surprised that this blog still exists. It is like my own private little forum that I can access anywhere, noone will ever reads my lies, my cries, my flat out disregard for my existence. I have been, not rejected, but brushed off rather by yet another girl. It saddens me to my very core, it only enhances the idea that there must be some major flaw that I am missing out on, likke rudolph's red nose or something. I thought I would throw in some holiday cheer! So I am still on the lookout for a job, if any strangers should happen to read this and feel enlightened by my words, please feel free to contact me. I guess my problems is that I apply for jobs that I am not qualified for, but feel I could do. This stinks, more and more I feel lke Osco is going to be myhome forever and this just cannot happen, especially at a mere $6.60 an hour. Complain, complain. It is what I love to do, if you want to hire a complainer for a decent wage, let me in on that scam.

Another worthless day spent at home doing nothing...I am about to go to work at Osco and couldn't be more irritated by it. Where is the opportunity to get out of here? I am really not doing any of the things that I want to do here. Hell I am even striking out with girls, not that that was ever a strong suit for me. Maybe Marty is right, going back to school is the way to go. I think there is still alot to learn and I might as well do it now. I have been real concerned about my teeth lately too. I really want to see a periodontist about the possibility of a gum disease and maybe dental implants to make me more confident, this is perhaps my largest obstacle when it comes to confidence, thanks bro for ruining my mouth. You would think I would hold more of a grudge!

I am really getting down on myself lately. It has occured to me more than once that perhaps I need therapy. Seriously, when I sit down and actually think about how my life is going to turn out, it isn't pretty. To tell the truth I find comfort in the idea that noone ever reads this blog. If they did they might see this as a cry for help or some other bull crap. I was watching Almost Famous tonight trying to keep my mind off the fact that I am endlessly lonely and that I have been rejected. I want to be like Lester Bangs. I want to just stay up at all hours and write, write endlessly. But that is not who I am. I am depressive and I write it down. When I am around people, I tend to stay in a good mood, I never let on the tears that are so near the surface. I don't feel loved, I don't feel like I am going anywhere. For instance, I stayed home tonight, aside from josh stopping by to give me money, I was utterly alone. noone to call noone to be with. I called Beth when I got off work, and she didn't call me back. She must be avoiding me. I don't blame her I probably creeped her out. The real world looms closer and it scares the living crap out of me. I want to make movie, I want to meet actors and actresses I want to make a difference in this world. When will I do that?

,

I may be doomed to a life of solitude, but for the record, I can not help under any circumstances but to be attracted to Abbey. She is so unbelievably sexy. I crave even a subtle touch. To some and probably to Abbey just hearing this would sound super preverted, but it isn't. I can't help the fact that she has a smokin' body and that I am totally attracted to her. Plus it isn't like she is all body and no brains, she is a total package. I dig her so much, but alas I am cursed and must keep these feelings to myself. If I tell her other wise she might pull away and never speak to me again. Tonight we lay on the couch and I rested my hand on her shoulder. A rush flooded my body. This girl was laying in her living room in a mere T-shirt and Jeans, nothing to terribly exciting, but just the idea that she wasn't wearinga bra...her skin was smooth and silky under her shirt, and as my hand moved across her I could only imagine what it must be like to explore that further. I know that may seem dirty, but she is unbelievable. I played with her hair for awhile and then reality set in and I reminded myself that she wants nothing to do with me romantically and I showed myself out. This coming on the heels of a wonderful rejection by Beth the night before, ah life is so not good :) hope your's is better.