I just watched the "SnowBall Effect" a sweet doc on the making of the movie Clerks. This really opened my eyes, as something usually does every few months or so. It said, "Ian, make a damn movie. You talk about being a filmmaker and working on something, but you are almost 25 and haven't put that into play. Geez." So who is with me? who will encourage me to finish a script. This is the beginning and so far it has also been the end. I can't seem to get past the 5th page of anything i write anymore. I get down on my self and how I failed and then spirl down only to watch a movie a few months later and get the sensation again. I need something good, no really good to happen in my life that will give me a high or thrill that will propel me into actually commiting my time to this. I think I want this. I know I want this. damn

I just came back from Suzanne's going away Party. She is moving to London to teach for at least 3 yrs. It is lovely for her. After sitting there with my friends from high school ( Basically Suzanne and Jen and Gin) I got the distinct impression that I am not cool. I am not saying that they are cool or anything, but I just feel lame. This could have been directly related that I saw Gin again after some time and she as always looked smokin hot. Why does she invade my soul??? I want to meet someone new and now so I don't have to get depressed everytime Gi nand I happen to be around each other. I am still bitter though on how she can just turn off our realtionship like it doesnt exist and go about life. EGH. Whatev. Fuck it, but it did get to me just so you know. And another thing? Why doesnt anyone read this, I really am super uber uncool. adding adjectives to words is defintately not cool. Ah such is life.


Ian

Nobody Knows. Today Marty and I put down the deposit for a new apartment in Overland Park. It looks as though we are going to be living in Kansas for at least one more year. It kinda feels like I am going backwards and I hope to God Almighty that I can afford the extra $75 odd dollars a month that this transition will set me back, probably more like $100. I really think that this is going to really define how I am going to spend the rest of my life, will I stay here in the KC area or am I truely destined for greater things? We will see....

Today I have the sneaking suspicion that I can control my own fate. Should I call the girl, write a movie, touch someone's life? It is all at my fingertips and at the end of the day when I find that I have done none of these things and sat around wallowing in my laziness, well I guess that is of my own doing as well, of course. How do you move from thinking about every single detail of your life and how wondering where this decision will differ from the next, to actually jumping out of bed and managing to act out every fleeting idea that flutters past your little mind? I think the answer lies in the happiness of your soul and the movement to put away all the fear that we were raised up in. At some point it was put in my head that I can't do this. I will have to deal with embarassment and ridicule if I even attempt to do things. This is wrong and deep down I know that I will only see a greater respect, but then why do I still sit still? WHY? It is like I have been shot with a poison-tipped dart and now I find myself lying awkwardly on the ground paralysed and waiting to die. That my friends is a super sad image. sigh. shit. music is the only thing that keeps me from just crying and crying like James Lipton when moved by some lame movie he just saw.


Sig, Ian

Why is it not acceptable for grown-ups to run away from problems. I mean literally run. You always see kids who get embarassed just up and bolt down the hall, thus escaping an awkward situation. Now picture your father doing the same thing. Doesn't quite look right does it? Well at any rate, I guess people see it as a sign of weakness that is acceptable for children. Sometimes I wish I could just run away. Run fast like the wind and not look behind me for anything. Sometimes I wish I were a kid again. Sometimes I wish I could love again. Sometimes I wish I were never born. Sometimes I wish it would rain all day. Sometimes I wish my smile didn't have to go away. AH.

So what is the deal with guys that wear stocking caps in the summer? I saw a seemingly homeless man wearing a stocking cap, and it must be 80 degrees out. My theory is that the homeless don't really the time or utilities to use a mirror and comb their hair, so they just are seen insistently wearing hats.

Today for no reason what so ever, I had a really great day. For the first time in months I feel motivated to go and do thousands of things, like write in my Blog!!!

Well I went to Chicago and this gave me the opportunity to really look into the dating thing. I really do want to date, its just I never meet enough people to want to date. I sort am talking to someone that might be good for a makeout session at least, but I can't be stupid when the signs show up.

Abbey didn't call me on Sun like i was hoping.

Gin sent me an email inviting me to her house this weekend for a party, now why the crap couldn't she call or email me before that, it really makes me not want to go.

AHHHHHH. Girls of the world need to pine after me, this is bullshit.

Ah the infamous blog returns. It has been brought to my attention that this is not only a shameless plug for my troubled love life, but that it is also a warning sign of sorts that I am depressed. I guess that may hold true considering some of the reasons I come here to write. It seems recently that I have I think fully realized that both Abbey and Gin want nothing to do with me on a romantic level, yet I have a hunch that this will not stop my pining away for their love. Man am I lame or what? Girls, call me. hehe. On the roommate front, I am becoming increasingly annoyed at marty, well myself really. He is getting into the habit of pointing out everytime I am wrong about sonething, which it seems is alot. Now i can't tell whether I am growing more dumb by the day or if I am just falling into the routine of saying dumb things so Marty can jump all over my case about it. Sigh. I am probably going to move in with him in Aug. I live with him already for those of you keeping score at home, but it is a big house and I dont live exclusively with him. I guess it will be ok, as long as he stops peeing on the toilet seat and he cleans up, which I doubt will happen. I wish I could afford a place of my own and get a sweet job, but that is asking for too much. Damn this cruel cruel world. I would give it all away to be with Abbey, but only as long as she reciprocated my love for her. Cheers.

It turns out that Gin might be gaining on the old Abbs.

Abbey. I think I love her. My bad luck.

I am in love with the band Self tonight.

Ok. I just watched my all time favorite movie. Well maybe not my favorite, but The Breakfast Club has probably had more profound an effect on me than any other movie in the history of movies. Plus I have seen it hundreds of times.

My point is that it once again as taken me into its grip and helped me realize that not everyone functions under the same set of ideals. Of course I knew this, but people tend to forget.

Between my lack of employment ( I am now alone in this fact; Matt has a good job now) and my on again, off again luck with girls, I still find myself with little to no direction in my life. A sentiment that I have been echoing for years.

I want to work, I want to give my heart and soul to something just to bring home a paycheck. I have always felt a sort of pride in my series of menial jobs. I am just a bit scared that the next one won't be good enough. I don't ask for much I just want to stay a float and right now I am sinking. Nothing new here.

On the dating front, it becomes difficult to treat girls the way I want to treat them without a job. I have found Sarah B. again through a few friends and we have shared a casual moment that has escalated in my head seemingly from the fact that I don't kiss a girl but once every few years. I know what I have with her is casual, but I am holding it up much higher. The same goes For Rachel. She is terminally involved with her boyfriend and even while I have only spent one night, a few hours with her, I would take her to the ends of the earth to be with her. It is true I am a dreamer and the slightest emotional attachment gets blown out of proportion in my head. I'd like to think that this makes me happy, but sometimes I know it just hurts me in the long run.

Truly I don't know where my life is headed. part of me wants to just run away, but would that be the mature thing to do? I don't need to be here and the kindness of my friends is what keeps me here. I am loyal and poor.

I guess I wouldn't change much about my life at this point, my I am constantly looking for the easy way to the top. I don't have the drive that is required to make it in film, I think I know that. Without it I might as well settle in a custodial position at some elementary school or financial firm where I would just go unnoticed. I sort of do want to be alone, but I can't make it on my own right now. I don't know what to do....

Man. Marty let me borrow his Sports Night DVDs. 45 Episodes. I watched the first 2 discs today. 16 episodes!!! What the hell. Did I really spend half the day doing this? It was raining in all fairness and I have become emotionally attached to the characters now. man.

The ever rpesent search for a job continues. I visited a few places today and filled out applications. I also set up an interview at a temp agency doing the samne type of junk that I did when I lived at the Ranch. You do what you have to and if that includes cleaning up after other people than so be it.

I also have an interview with the pitch weekly. It involves outside sales, which is the worst kind imaginable. I told the guy I would be comfortable doing it and it scored me an interview, but I doubt I am cut out for that tragic world. I guess I will find out. I am suppose to see him next week and my dumb ass forgot if it is on Mon. or Tues. Crap. There I go sabotaging the whole thing beofre I even start. This sucks.....