New Blog template. I enabled comments. That should open up a can of pity or worry. Whatever.

I really should learn to do Html, I can't even change the blurry pic at the top. I also need to get a URL of my own so I can host images and have my own email address and redirect it to this blog until I can get something clever designed.

happy birthday to gin. I can't believe I just said that...

Man it is that time of year again. My birthday is next week and I will have to face all the things about my life that suck. I think about Gin at this time, because her birthday is tomorrow. I am going to skip her celebration 2-night. I have to think about the stigma of being 25 and having no girlfriend, no real job, no money saved. I guess I get depressed in April, which is great since the weather is just starting to get nice.

I think I need to start carrying a notepad around again. I know for a fact that I had at least three really cool thoughts today, but now that I am here writing, I can't think of any of them.

If anyone reading this has heard me sigh, they will know that I am very good at it. Why am I so weary?? Golly. Everytime I sigh, I feel as though there is a strong bittersweet moment dying to get out of my body, if I could harness the sigh and turn it into a novel, that would rock. speaking of rock, I wanna rock. I really really need to lay vocals down. I read in the paper today that 80% of "people surveyed" say they are most creative when they are driving in their car alone. if only a car was conducive to recording records, because it is true that is the place I am most comfortable.....

So I was thinking about something......


Ha. You really think I was going to tell you? Never. You know how people have dreams, wishes, desires? Well I do, but I don't put much stock in that. I am generally aware that most people probably find my blog depressing and lonely, which I guess I am going for. Self-Deprecation is something that has always kept me sane. Music helps too. I just watched the office series 2. It is quite a sad look at work and relationships in general. I can relate, even if they are british.

I want the bumpy road. I want love. I wish someone would come around to help me take the first step, because obviously my dumb ass can't do it. self-deprecation. It moves me. It consumes me. I hate it. I am starting to sound suicidal, that is silly. I have seen that up close and it scares me to no end. I would rather be sick and unhappy than be dead and nothing. Though I would rather be happy and content, I am just so tired of hoping or looking for it.

What a scary post....sigh. This is another Saturday night at home, it does things.

Oh dang. What is beauty? ha. I know it when I see it and it isn't always external. I think Abbey is what I want, but knowing that she doesn't want me, well that just hurts in a way. A very obvious way. I think every problem I ever had or created for myself stems from two things, I will outline them here.

1) Confidence. that is obvious, yet hard to acheive.
2) Motivation. this is tough to master, I find that it comes in spurts.

I will now refer to this as Confivation. I should find a book about it.....

Maybe I will call my web page, searching for confivation. or Motifidence. whatever..

Apathy. This is the word of the day. Vodka. This is the real word of the day. It treated me well last night. nice and smooth. I got home from the Cole's and wasn't tired. So as Marty went to bed, I set out to bore myself to death on the internet. But instead, I found out the Ben Folds new album leaked on the net and after I got a guy to send it to me, I preordered the album on a website! it was sweet. Then at about 3am I crashed, only to wake up at 6:15, not at all tired and craving pixie stix. I quenched my craving and haven't looked back since. Now I am debating whether to go see my Omi, I really don't want to go over to my uncle's but a ben folds lyric lingers in my head -- "I never visited my grandma, even once before she died, regrets..." -- So I will probably go against my will, they are lovely people my grandparents, we just have nothing important to talk about. Aw geez.

I am sitting here alone. This is not out of the ordinary by any means, but for some reason I am at peace. I probably have a million things I could be doing besides this, like recording vocals for my new song, but I don't feel like it. Earlier, I had an image of myself working at BCBSKC for hte rest of my life and coming home from work everyday and spending every weekend in my apt. doing nothing but watching TV. This is really what I do most of the time and it is weird to realize suddenly that that isn't a good thing. When I do it, I feel just fine, but I should get out more.

I need a haircut, maybe I should shave my head again. Anything to be lazy.....I am hungry but I have been eating ALL day.

So I watched Forrest Gump. I welled up. Whatever. Listening to Headphones, the best way to listen to music, no other distrctions to pull you away. It's Sat. and I am home. Plotting.........

I will go to another place, another world. And not in the silly Afro-centric sitcom or mental ward sorta way, I mean I am moving somewhere, just don't know where. if anyone lives in KCMO and will let me stay with them for roughly 2 months rent free so i can save some money, I would love you forever. Not til sept. though.


later.

Ha, well it is a new year ( a month late) and I am again questioning my place in life. Will it ever end? Doubt it. Maybe if I get to a point where I am starting a family with someone I love, but if anyone knows me well enough, we know that may never happen. Kris, I think has pretty much gauged what I have from our relationship. That is that we don't really have anything in common and just being nice doesn't make hanging out interesting. She doesn't really call me anymore, so there is that. hm, back to the meeting someone new board.

I got new tires for my car, so she is ready for a long journey, if that is to be. I am considering moving to Chicago when my lease is up in Overland Park, but that is a scary proposition. But it is there as an option, trying to think of a new risk to take, that might be it.

I decided that I don't really respect anyone I work with and that I am afraid to change jobs unless it is something I want to do.

On the entertainment front, Mitch Hedburg and Stephan Lynch are performing next weekend and I will be there. I am supposed to go with 3 friends, but one bailed and another one might as well. I am currently taking applications for back-ups. I think I found one. Additionally, Ben Folds will release his second solo album on April 26. It is called 'Songs for Silverman' and I bet it will be good. And lastly I leave you with this kinda cool Flash Animation that struck a chord in my heart take care.

http://www.madman.com.au/tism/bunny/

I am thinking there should be a strict test you must pass before you are allowed the luxury of owning a nice car. It seems that they will give any dufus a lexus these days. Man and I thought for the price they could afford to put turn signals on those suckers.

I was in new employee training today, mind you I have been working there for 8 months, and we were examining gender roles and how they relate to sexual harassment. "Gone are the days of daddy leaving for work to be the breadwinner of the household while mommy stays home becoming the quintessential homemaker." that is not verbatium, but close. I thought since they were making the point that roles are reversing and rather than be a homemaker or breadwinner respectively, I would just usher into the new millenium and become a "home-winner" I figure that way I will never get cold in the rain, what with winning all the houses.....don't get me wrong breadmaker sounded okay, I just didn't want to go home with flour under my finger nails every night.

Yeah, I need to win the lotto or find a fun job.

Goodness, is everyone going to be a parent? I just have found myself in the midst of a rash of parents. They all went to HS with me too. AGH. I feel so very very far behind in the times. Maybe I should just get someone preggers and then force her to marry me for the "good of the child." Then my life will be complete. Don't get me wrong, there are a few, okay one parent out there that I think has done a great job of bouncing back from the whole thing, though I think she is defensive at times. I wish she would open up to me more. Oh well, thems the breaks.

So, I met someone. She is cool. I hope it grows. That is all I am saying b/c I probably already jinxed it. damn.

Give me a kiss to build a dream on....

Two things tonight. One, Money. I have been slowly and I repeat slowly making my way through Walden Pond. Namely the chapter on Economy, which haha is the first chapter. It is providing glorious insight on money and material things. I am looking at food and shelter in whole new ways. I mean, just for example, a roof over our heads used to be to keep out rain and winter and now it is to keep in privacy above all....strange how things change. What is neccesary and what is not. Currently I find myself in a position that I am no stranger to, and that is a lack of resources to accomodate my idea of life. I have not the required amount of money to pay my bills this month and while it is extinuating circumtances, I fear I will always be one step behind, sigh. I want more than I am trying after. What is neccesary and what is not? Two, for the longest time the only thing that I ever felt I truly NEEDED was someone to love. someone to have and to hold, blah. This is still true, alas. I just finished watching a French film called, "Jeux d'enfants" or Love me if you Dare. While extremely morbid and a bit off kilter, I found the essence, true love, to be left ringing in my ears. I want you. It scares me at the same time. I am afraid that every encounter I am going to ruin and I will never have you. I hope that I can find what I am looking for and in a way that I don't have to compromise for it. ah. Kristin is next to see who I am.....I just hope I can afford to take her out. gosh.

Today's key words are Infatuation and Time. Over time an infatuation can become stronger, to the point where it becomes dangerous. I used to be infatuated by Abbey, but overtime as it grew stronger and stronger and I lost more and more control of myself, it just faded away. This is probably preferable to stalking the other person or something worse, but then again I wonder if all the time I spent infatuated with Abbey is now wasted and that is time i will never see again. Eh.
I am infatuated with a woman I met a few weekends ago who didn't call me back. Similar to hot rachel, I hung out with her one night and now want her with my entire being. however, over time maybe this too will turn into nothing. When will the time come that an infatuation of mine will turn onto a budding relationship that will actually make me happy? What would I do then? hehe. I would probably freak out and eff it up. But I bet I would have a good time doing it. Ok so Abbey failed to call me back twice in a row. I can understand that, I am sure I have been a taxing friendship for her. I still love her. Now as for Kris, I will call her again on my break tonight, I have nothing to lose. Nothing.

see me smiling?

I just watched the "SnowBall Effect" a sweet doc on the making of the movie Clerks. This really opened my eyes, as something usually does every few months or so. It said, "Ian, make a damn movie. You talk about being a filmmaker and working on something, but you are almost 25 and haven't put that into play. Geez." So who is with me? who will encourage me to finish a script. This is the beginning and so far it has also been the end. I can't seem to get past the 5th page of anything i write anymore. I get down on my self and how I failed and then spirl down only to watch a movie a few months later and get the sensation again. I need something good, no really good to happen in my life that will give me a high or thrill that will propel me into actually commiting my time to this. I think I want this. I know I want this. damn