Never Look the horse inside its grill

I think I need a hobby. List of possible hobbies:

1. Rock Climbing
2. Film Making
(The previous two haven't seemed to come to fruition)
3. hmmm, I need to think of something to spend my free time and weekends doing, that is halfway constructive...

When life survives to 25...

Well my birthday has come and gone, just as I suspected it would.  It was fine, I am not going to go off and say it was depressing or anything, I did what I wanted to do.

 

So right now my whole life is geared towards my trip to Toronto. I need to come up with a plan of attack, I don’t want to sit around in the hotel all weekend like Abbey and I did in Memphis.  I will probably stop in at borders and take a look at vacation books for the great city.  Yesterday I was listening to a Ludacris song (and I use the term “song” loosely) and he rapped about how he thought Canada was cold until he went to Toronto and saw them hoes. So I guess it can’t be all bad right?

 

I can’t lie; I played mini golf at lunch for the second day in a row. I played much better today though I still came in third. Shoot I need to practice.

I went to Royals opening day 2005. They lost (8-2 for anyone who follows that sort of thing), I am not sad. It was more like, Ian look at all these attractive women that you will never get day 2005. I made zero effort to talk to anyone, including Marty who incidentally sat roughly 10 rows ahead of me because we bought 2 scapled single tickets just to get in the door. I felt good having avoided Gin most of the day save an email and a brief phone conversation. The weather also turned out to be pretty good. I would have to say that the most interesting part of the day was the star-spangled banner. It included some pyro, a real bald eagle flying around in the field (they are much bigger than I remembered), A stealth bomber that was amazingly timed to fly right above me the second I took my attention off the eagle as it landed, and it featured probably the most underrated "multi-platnium recording artists" in the world. THE FREAKIN' OAK RIDGE BOYS!!! haha.

After sitting at the game with a lot of free time to look around at women, I decided that I want to date a girl who is in a hurry. All the hot chicks that passed my seat on the stairs were all running somewhere, and the breasts are very attractive when they are active. So ladies as long as you are running towards me, not away as marty pointed out, and preferably up stairs it seems; then call me. I also gave Matt Stairs of the KC Royals the nickname, "The Case." Stairs is on the case!!!

New Blog template. I enabled comments. That should open up a can of pity or worry. Whatever.

I really should learn to do Html, I can't even change the blurry pic at the top. I also need to get a URL of my own so I can host images and have my own email address and redirect it to this blog until I can get something clever designed.

happy birthday to gin. I can't believe I just said that...

Man it is that time of year again. My birthday is next week and I will have to face all the things about my life that suck. I think about Gin at this time, because her birthday is tomorrow. I am going to skip her celebration 2-night. I have to think about the stigma of being 25 and having no girlfriend, no real job, no money saved. I guess I get depressed in April, which is great since the weather is just starting to get nice.

I think I need to start carrying a notepad around again. I know for a fact that I had at least three really cool thoughts today, but now that I am here writing, I can't think of any of them.

If anyone reading this has heard me sigh, they will know that I am very good at it. Why am I so weary?? Golly. Everytime I sigh, I feel as though there is a strong bittersweet moment dying to get out of my body, if I could harness the sigh and turn it into a novel, that would rock. speaking of rock, I wanna rock. I really really need to lay vocals down. I read in the paper today that 80% of "people surveyed" say they are most creative when they are driving in their car alone. if only a car was conducive to recording records, because it is true that is the place I am most comfortable.....

So I was thinking about something......


Ha. You really think I was going to tell you? Never. You know how people have dreams, wishes, desires? Well I do, but I don't put much stock in that. I am generally aware that most people probably find my blog depressing and lonely, which I guess I am going for. Self-Deprecation is something that has always kept me sane. Music helps too. I just watched the office series 2. It is quite a sad look at work and relationships in general. I can relate, even if they are british.

I want the bumpy road. I want love. I wish someone would come around to help me take the first step, because obviously my dumb ass can't do it. self-deprecation. It moves me. It consumes me. I hate it. I am starting to sound suicidal, that is silly. I have seen that up close and it scares me to no end. I would rather be sick and unhappy than be dead and nothing. Though I would rather be happy and content, I am just so tired of hoping or looking for it.

What a scary post....sigh. This is another Saturday night at home, it does things.

Oh dang. What is beauty? ha. I know it when I see it and it isn't always external. I think Abbey is what I want, but knowing that she doesn't want me, well that just hurts in a way. A very obvious way. I think every problem I ever had or created for myself stems from two things, I will outline them here.

1) Confidence. that is obvious, yet hard to acheive.
2) Motivation. this is tough to master, I find that it comes in spurts.

I will now refer to this as Confivation. I should find a book about it.....

Maybe I will call my web page, searching for confivation. or Motifidence. whatever..

Apathy. This is the word of the day. Vodka. This is the real word of the day. It treated me well last night. nice and smooth. I got home from the Cole's and wasn't tired. So as Marty went to bed, I set out to bore myself to death on the internet. But instead, I found out the Ben Folds new album leaked on the net and after I got a guy to send it to me, I preordered the album on a website! it was sweet. Then at about 3am I crashed, only to wake up at 6:15, not at all tired and craving pixie stix. I quenched my craving and haven't looked back since. Now I am debating whether to go see my Omi, I really don't want to go over to my uncle's but a ben folds lyric lingers in my head -- "I never visited my grandma, even once before she died, regrets..." -- So I will probably go against my will, they are lovely people my grandparents, we just have nothing important to talk about. Aw geez.

I am sitting here alone. This is not out of the ordinary by any means, but for some reason I am at peace. I probably have a million things I could be doing besides this, like recording vocals for my new song, but I don't feel like it. Earlier, I had an image of myself working at BCBSKC for hte rest of my life and coming home from work everyday and spending every weekend in my apt. doing nothing but watching TV. This is really what I do most of the time and it is weird to realize suddenly that that isn't a good thing. When I do it, I feel just fine, but I should get out more.

I need a haircut, maybe I should shave my head again. Anything to be lazy.....I am hungry but I have been eating ALL day.

So I watched Forrest Gump. I welled up. Whatever. Listening to Headphones, the best way to listen to music, no other distrctions to pull you away. It's Sat. and I am home. Plotting.........

I will go to another place, another world. And not in the silly Afro-centric sitcom or mental ward sorta way, I mean I am moving somewhere, just don't know where. if anyone lives in KCMO and will let me stay with them for roughly 2 months rent free so i can save some money, I would love you forever. Not til sept. though.


later.

Ha, well it is a new year ( a month late) and I am again questioning my place in life. Will it ever end? Doubt it. Maybe if I get to a point where I am starting a family with someone I love, but if anyone knows me well enough, we know that may never happen. Kris, I think has pretty much gauged what I have from our relationship. That is that we don't really have anything in common and just being nice doesn't make hanging out interesting. She doesn't really call me anymore, so there is that. hm, back to the meeting someone new board.

I got new tires for my car, so she is ready for a long journey, if that is to be. I am considering moving to Chicago when my lease is up in Overland Park, but that is a scary proposition. But it is there as an option, trying to think of a new risk to take, that might be it.

I decided that I don't really respect anyone I work with and that I am afraid to change jobs unless it is something I want to do.

On the entertainment front, Mitch Hedburg and Stephan Lynch are performing next weekend and I will be there. I am supposed to go with 3 friends, but one bailed and another one might as well. I am currently taking applications for back-ups. I think I found one. Additionally, Ben Folds will release his second solo album on April 26. It is called 'Songs for Silverman' and I bet it will be good. And lastly I leave you with this kinda cool Flash Animation that struck a chord in my heart take care.

http://www.madman.com.au/tism/bunny/

I am thinking there should be a strict test you must pass before you are allowed the luxury of owning a nice car. It seems that they will give any dufus a lexus these days. Man and I thought for the price they could afford to put turn signals on those suckers.

I was in new employee training today, mind you I have been working there for 8 months, and we were examining gender roles and how they relate to sexual harassment. "Gone are the days of daddy leaving for work to be the breadwinner of the household while mommy stays home becoming the quintessential homemaker." that is not verbatium, but close. I thought since they were making the point that roles are reversing and rather than be a homemaker or breadwinner respectively, I would just usher into the new millenium and become a "home-winner" I figure that way I will never get cold in the rain, what with winning all the houses.....don't get me wrong breadmaker sounded okay, I just didn't want to go home with flour under my finger nails every night.

Yeah, I need to win the lotto or find a fun job.

Goodness, is everyone going to be a parent? I just have found myself in the midst of a rash of parents. They all went to HS with me too. AGH. I feel so very very far behind in the times. Maybe I should just get someone preggers and then force her to marry me for the "good of the child." Then my life will be complete. Don't get me wrong, there are a few, okay one parent out there that I think has done a great job of bouncing back from the whole thing, though I think she is defensive at times. I wish she would open up to me more. Oh well, thems the breaks.

So, I met someone. She is cool. I hope it grows. That is all I am saying b/c I probably already jinxed it. damn.