I am so tired of girls (i.e. Women for those of you so inclined), it isn't even funny. I ahve been spending a fair amount of time with Beth lately, but she has kept me shackled to the safety of the afternoon. I know she doesn't want anything to do with me romantically, surprise surprise. She is following in the footsteps of Abbey. I swear that they must secretly chat about how to lead me on next. Oh well, I guess I bring it on myself for falling for these types of girls. The amazing and gorgeous types that have issues or are highly independent. It is the Cahill curse. It is any wonder that my father found a woman to have three kids with, but we all know how that turned out. I don't think anyone found a perfect arrangement in my entire family. I am terribly doomed, but I digress. What I need to be concerned about is money and/or more employment. I am so lazy, Beth helps me realize this. She is always so on the ball. Gotta love her.
Well I am out, I want to be alone tonite, but I bet you anything Abbey will stop by....thems the breaks.

On the recommendation of a certain internet personality that will remain nameless I am writing yet another installment of the oddity known as my life. I realize that I am nothing special, but special things happen, or intersting things rather all the time that I feel are worth mentioning. If for nothing else but to entertain. That is all I can ask. Tonight as I drove home steam rose from the roads. It was quite amazing looking. The rain came and went quickly, but the hot summer air resonated and the steam created was symbolic to me. I was thinking a lot about Beth Kinney. She was due back from Mexico today and I am very much looking forward to seeing her again. The steam got me thinking about the creation of something beautiful from two very different things. I mean the rain and the asphalt separate are often taken for granted, but add a little heat and you get a wonderful landscape of motion. Needless to say it was cool. I think I am growing. I called Abbey last night to talk and she told me she had company. It didn't occur to me until after to ask who it was. It could have been a guy that she told me she had a crush on. At any rate she said she would call me today and didn't. But the cool part is, is that I don't care. I didn't even think about it until just now at 2 am. That says alot about how far I've come I think. I have been thinking alot this week about a new job. I need one. I won't bore anyone with the details unless they ask. I almost forgot, I got a haircut today to make sure I looked sharp for Beth, I bet she is still in Neosho. I will probably hear from her tommorrow. That will be a nice thing, but no pressure, It doesn't need to happen, right?

Well I was in a pretty grippy mood today. It was Sunday and I wnet to church with Ryan. I am pretty sure that God didn't make me grippy, I felt good that I went to get a little of the word. I wanted to see Abbey today, really badd and I knew when I talked to her last that she really wasn't that keen on seeing me. It depressed me sure. I stopped by her work today because I would have felt weird if I had gone to the mall knowing she was there and not stopped in. I got the impression that she wanted to be alone tonight, even though I imagine some dopey guy is going to "stop" by her house later. Anyways I called her in a grippy mood, my first mistake, and we talked for a bit and I told her I still had athing for her and she told me that I had an addictive personality, only it worked backwards. People aren't addicted to me neccesarilly, but rather I am addicted to people I like. It is so true. She said that I reminded her of Mac in that respect. I was just glad to be talking to her, she really makes me feel better. Then she suggested that we go to McCalister's for sweet tea, which I whole-heartedly agreed to. We went and talked a bit more, on a lighter note. I was happy because I knew she didn't want to do anything and I wasn't going to ask her to, but she asked me so it was okay somehow. So she took me home and left. I felt a lot better. That whole falling for her stuff is still so true, I have fallen for her hard and maybe I should stick to it, Mac did and he found something huge about himself. Maybe Abbey is going to help me find myself, and maybe just maybe we will end up together while we're at it.

Well I don't have a whole lot to say, but I figured I need to write anyhow. I am addicted to Hot or Not again. Abbey is my "buddy" I think there should be a no sexy buddy rule....

Oh I almost forgot. I saw an SUV drive up onto the curb to let an ambulance go through a turn lane. I was impressed at the person's devoting to saving lives. That is the kind of stuff that pays off in the long run.

Well well. Today was good. The best part was seeing Abbey. Just when I think things are bad, she brings me back up with her charming smile and witty retort. She is amazing and sexy as hell! On a much more recent note, I told Beth my unquestionable desire to be with her and she in unabated fashion told me that I was "too perfect to date" and while I couldn't sense a hint of sarcasm in that statement, I felt it needed to be there. I am cursed with the good fortune to have truely lovely girls by my side, all of whom are dearest friends and nothing more! Surprisingly I took it well, not letting the flowery rejection get me down. I was simply puzzled. I thought that girls were on the lookout for the perfect guy , it seems that this is not the case. At least I gave it a shot...for whatever that is worth?

I feel so much pressure today about where my life is going. I was reading this article about feral surfers in some remote island that went there to get away from life and surf all day long. This seems more and more like the life for me. I don't see myself having a career right now and I know that is probably normal, I just have really high expectations for myself and no drive. For awhile I thought Abbey shared in my desire to move away, but more and more I see that she would never do it. She is locked into a life that more or less doesn't include a romantic involvement. I think every girl i meet after her i will be compromising because I found her so great. If anyone is in utter anticipation, I did not talk to Bonnie, someone died, surprise suprise.

I am going to call Bonnie here in a minute. I hope she sounds hot :)

I talked to Bonnie on the net last night and I reinforced the idea that I will not subject myself to competing for a girls attention. If Abbey doesn't want to spend time with me, then I am not going to make her. Of course if we were together and there was another guy I would no doubt say something, but considering that I told her how I felt and was met with an oh so casual response of "let's leave things the way they are" I am holding firm to my ideal. It is done. I will no longer ask her to do anything in advance unless I feel very comfortable that she is ready and willing. I hope I can not think about it any further with the kind of anguish that I have felt this week.

For some stupid reason I am insanely jealous of Abbey having dinner with that Daniel guy last nite. I am sure that nothing happened and even if something had happened, it isn't like I'm DATING her. I guess I just know his intentions and he is better looking than me, I don't know. Should I say something to her? Find out if she is starting to like him? If she says yes it will crush me, if she says I don't know that will probably crush me too, it implies that she is at least considering it. AAAHHHH She is invading my head and I hate it. Why can't I be that guy that girls are empirically attractted to and then it wouldn't be a problem b/c Abbey and I would be together then. BOO Hiss for random feelings and thoughts about a girl who just isn't on the same page as far as feelings go.

So here is the deal. I still really like Abbey, but things inside me have been telling me to look into Ginny again, maybe it is just that same old pattern I always fall back to. I am thinking about going to her daughter's birthday party in KC june 15th in the afternoon. I would still drive back for anything assocaited with candice's birthday too.

I am tired and I will now sleep

The New Blog is here and working I hope

gee