Well This weekend was pretty good. I spent most of it helping Ryan with a film project for one of his classes, it was kinda boring and I didn't do a whole lot. But that is far from the best part. Sat. night I went over to Beth's for her 21st. birthday. I didn't show up til about midnight becasue of the filming taking place over at the ratsnest. I got there and Beth was so happy to see me. At first, I honestly didn't feel like going. but I knew that I would catch hell if I didn't at least show up. I actually ended up having a really good time. Beth was floored when I got there and I was going to get pretty happy myself. Beth has this talent for making me out to be the absolute greatest guy in the world when I go to her parties. It really feeds the confidence level. So I took some shots and actually began the process of talking to girls. Somewhere in between Beth raised the issue of 21 kisses for her birthday. I began and I did honestly take some liberties and kissed her on the lips. Basically she was all over me most of the night and ended up kissing me a few more times. But this wasn't even my favorite part. It may sound bad, but iam going to write it anyways. Beth is a twin, and by definition her brother was also celebrating his birthday. I had met him once before, but he wasn't nearly as drunk. He's a great guy and his girlfriend is even greater. Not only is she smokin hot, but she seemed to warm up to me. I guess Beth playing me up didn't hurt in this department. At any rate, every chance I got I was with Rachel, either with my arm around her or my hand on her leg. She really came across as easy to talk to and fun to be with. I wish I could go into more detail, but it surely wouldn't do her any justice. She is a smaller girl, and I remember seeing her once before, but didn't say much to her. I can't believe how attracted I was to her. As much as I liked Abbey, this is like ten times greater, it is a full 24 hrs later and I still can't stop talking about her. The weirdest part is, is towards the end of the night I offered a shot to Rachel. She agreed after some coaxing. I guess it didn't sit too well with her, because she threw up. And here is the thing, after Beth basically threw herself at me, we kissed several times, well even after that I was so happy that Rachel was throwing up. I guess its my nurturing nature, standing there rubbing her back and telling her everything was fine was by far the greatest moment of my night. It put any kisses between Beth and I to shame. Isn't that weird? She was very responsive to my actions and it felt great. If only she didn't have a boyfriend. That is always the way it works I guess. I am now debating whether or not to contact her. it sounds good now, but it might ruin things. Such is life........

I am in that place again. God always does this to me. He has this way of making me realize that I am not living for him and rather than push me too, it depresses me really. I turned down a job this week that would have given me more pay. I just didn't feel like that timing was right to do it. I am swearing off girls for awhile, but it still hurts to see hot ones running around all over. I went to Icthus tonight and it put me in that place. I see all these girls everywhere and all I wanted to do was go home and sit in my room alone where they can't get to me. It is sad really, how did it even come to this? I lack any sort of drive. I know that I have it at least temporarily, but all it seems to accomplish is mpping the floor or making stir-fry. maybe I need one of those Tony Little, Tony Robbins sort of guys to instill alittle pep into me and give me a bit of joy to move out and build on those small opportunities I get. Right now it just seems like I crush them all right when they get at my feet. I can't understand it either, everyone around me is moving forward andI am just sitting here and blogging, my God. Why can't a girl just come along and pull my head above water and show me that there is nothing to worry about . I can't even decide where I want to live after the Ratsnest. Maybe I should just man up and live with Adam, at least that would be a temporary thing that I could build on. Marty doesn't seem to be bringing much jump my way and Ryan is just hell-bend on a decent career. Ryan will make it and it will just bring me down to see him suceed. Isn't that wierd? Screw it all, in 6 months who knows I will probably move in with Matt W. and work at Fridays or something til I reach a real breaking point. I may even stop talking to every single person I kow and love in order to gain some sort of emotional clarity. BLAH

I am surprised that this blog still exists. It is like my own private little forum that I can access anywhere, noone will ever reads my lies, my cries, my flat out disregard for my existence. I have been, not rejected, but brushed off rather by yet another girl. It saddens me to my very core, it only enhances the idea that there must be some major flaw that I am missing out on, likke rudolph's red nose or something. I thought I would throw in some holiday cheer! So I am still on the lookout for a job, if any strangers should happen to read this and feel enlightened by my words, please feel free to contact me. I guess my problems is that I apply for jobs that I am not qualified for, but feel I could do. This stinks, more and more I feel lke Osco is going to be myhome forever and this just cannot happen, especially at a mere $6.60 an hour. Complain, complain. It is what I love to do, if you want to hire a complainer for a decent wage, let me in on that scam.

Another worthless day spent at home doing nothing...I am about to go to work at Osco and couldn't be more irritated by it. Where is the opportunity to get out of here? I am really not doing any of the things that I want to do here. Hell I am even striking out with girls, not that that was ever a strong suit for me. Maybe Marty is right, going back to school is the way to go. I think there is still alot to learn and I might as well do it now. I have been real concerned about my teeth lately too. I really want to see a periodontist about the possibility of a gum disease and maybe dental implants to make me more confident, this is perhaps my largest obstacle when it comes to confidence, thanks bro for ruining my mouth. You would think I would hold more of a grudge!

I am really getting down on myself lately. It has occured to me more than once that perhaps I need therapy. Seriously, when I sit down and actually think about how my life is going to turn out, it isn't pretty. To tell the truth I find comfort in the idea that noone ever reads this blog. If they did they might see this as a cry for help or some other bull crap. I was watching Almost Famous tonight trying to keep my mind off the fact that I am endlessly lonely and that I have been rejected. I want to be like Lester Bangs. I want to just stay up at all hours and write, write endlessly. But that is not who I am. I am depressive and I write it down. When I am around people, I tend to stay in a good mood, I never let on the tears that are so near the surface. I don't feel loved, I don't feel like I am going anywhere. For instance, I stayed home tonight, aside from josh stopping by to give me money, I was utterly alone. noone to call noone to be with. I called Beth when I got off work, and she didn't call me back. She must be avoiding me. I don't blame her I probably creeped her out. The real world looms closer and it scares the living crap out of me. I want to make movie, I want to meet actors and actresses I want to make a difference in this world. When will I do that?

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I may be doomed to a life of solitude, but for the record, I can not help under any circumstances but to be attracted to Abbey. She is so unbelievably sexy. I crave even a subtle touch. To some and probably to Abbey just hearing this would sound super preverted, but it isn't. I can't help the fact that she has a smokin' body and that I am totally attracted to her. Plus it isn't like she is all body and no brains, she is a total package. I dig her so much, but alas I am cursed and must keep these feelings to myself. If I tell her other wise she might pull away and never speak to me again. Tonight we lay on the couch and I rested my hand on her shoulder. A rush flooded my body. This girl was laying in her living room in a mere T-shirt and Jeans, nothing to terribly exciting, but just the idea that she wasn't wearinga bra...her skin was smooth and silky under her shirt, and as my hand moved across her I could only imagine what it must be like to explore that further. I know that may seem dirty, but she is unbelievable. I played with her hair for awhile and then reality set in and I reminded myself that she wants nothing to do with me romantically and I showed myself out. This coming on the heels of a wonderful rejection by Beth the night before, ah life is so not good :) hope your's is better.

I am so tired of girls (i.e. Women for those of you so inclined), it isn't even funny. I ahve been spending a fair amount of time with Beth lately, but she has kept me shackled to the safety of the afternoon. I know she doesn't want anything to do with me romantically, surprise surprise. She is following in the footsteps of Abbey. I swear that they must secretly chat about how to lead me on next. Oh well, I guess I bring it on myself for falling for these types of girls. The amazing and gorgeous types that have issues or are highly independent. It is the Cahill curse. It is any wonder that my father found a woman to have three kids with, but we all know how that turned out. I don't think anyone found a perfect arrangement in my entire family. I am terribly doomed, but I digress. What I need to be concerned about is money and/or more employment. I am so lazy, Beth helps me realize this. She is always so on the ball. Gotta love her.
Well I am out, I want to be alone tonite, but I bet you anything Abbey will stop by....thems the breaks.

On the recommendation of a certain internet personality that will remain nameless I am writing yet another installment of the oddity known as my life. I realize that I am nothing special, but special things happen, or intersting things rather all the time that I feel are worth mentioning. If for nothing else but to entertain. That is all I can ask. Tonight as I drove home steam rose from the roads. It was quite amazing looking. The rain came and went quickly, but the hot summer air resonated and the steam created was symbolic to me. I was thinking a lot about Beth Kinney. She was due back from Mexico today and I am very much looking forward to seeing her again. The steam got me thinking about the creation of something beautiful from two very different things. I mean the rain and the asphalt separate are often taken for granted, but add a little heat and you get a wonderful landscape of motion. Needless to say it was cool. I think I am growing. I called Abbey last night to talk and she told me she had company. It didn't occur to me until after to ask who it was. It could have been a guy that she told me she had a crush on. At any rate she said she would call me today and didn't. But the cool part is, is that I don't care. I didn't even think about it until just now at 2 am. That says alot about how far I've come I think. I have been thinking alot this week about a new job. I need one. I won't bore anyone with the details unless they ask. I almost forgot, I got a haircut today to make sure I looked sharp for Beth, I bet she is still in Neosho. I will probably hear from her tommorrow. That will be a nice thing, but no pressure, It doesn't need to happen, right?

Well I was in a pretty grippy mood today. It was Sunday and I wnet to church with Ryan. I am pretty sure that God didn't make me grippy, I felt good that I went to get a little of the word. I wanted to see Abbey today, really badd and I knew when I talked to her last that she really wasn't that keen on seeing me. It depressed me sure. I stopped by her work today because I would have felt weird if I had gone to the mall knowing she was there and not stopped in. I got the impression that she wanted to be alone tonight, even though I imagine some dopey guy is going to "stop" by her house later. Anyways I called her in a grippy mood, my first mistake, and we talked for a bit and I told her I still had athing for her and she told me that I had an addictive personality, only it worked backwards. People aren't addicted to me neccesarilly, but rather I am addicted to people I like. It is so true. She said that I reminded her of Mac in that respect. I was just glad to be talking to her, she really makes me feel better. Then she suggested that we go to McCalister's for sweet tea, which I whole-heartedly agreed to. We went and talked a bit more, on a lighter note. I was happy because I knew she didn't want to do anything and I wasn't going to ask her to, but she asked me so it was okay somehow. So she took me home and left. I felt a lot better. That whole falling for her stuff is still so true, I have fallen for her hard and maybe I should stick to it, Mac did and he found something huge about himself. Maybe Abbey is going to help me find myself, and maybe just maybe we will end up together while we're at it.

Well I don't have a whole lot to say, but I figured I need to write anyhow. I am addicted to Hot or Not again. Abbey is my "buddy" I think there should be a no sexy buddy rule....

Oh I almost forgot. I saw an SUV drive up onto the curb to let an ambulance go through a turn lane. I was impressed at the person's devoting to saving lives. That is the kind of stuff that pays off in the long run.

Well well. Today was good. The best part was seeing Abbey. Just when I think things are bad, she brings me back up with her charming smile and witty retort. She is amazing and sexy as hell! On a much more recent note, I told Beth my unquestionable desire to be with her and she in unabated fashion told me that I was "too perfect to date" and while I couldn't sense a hint of sarcasm in that statement, I felt it needed to be there. I am cursed with the good fortune to have truely lovely girls by my side, all of whom are dearest friends and nothing more! Surprisingly I took it well, not letting the flowery rejection get me down. I was simply puzzled. I thought that girls were on the lookout for the perfect guy , it seems that this is not the case. At least I gave it a shot...for whatever that is worth?

I feel so much pressure today about where my life is going. I was reading this article about feral surfers in some remote island that went there to get away from life and surf all day long. This seems more and more like the life for me. I don't see myself having a career right now and I know that is probably normal, I just have really high expectations for myself and no drive. For awhile I thought Abbey shared in my desire to move away, but more and more I see that she would never do it. She is locked into a life that more or less doesn't include a romantic involvement. I think every girl i meet after her i will be compromising because I found her so great. If anyone is in utter anticipation, I did not talk to Bonnie, someone died, surprise suprise.

I am going to call Bonnie here in a minute. I hope she sounds hot :)