I am thinking there should be a strict test you must pass before you are allowed the luxury of owning a nice car. It seems that they will give any dufus a lexus these days. Man and I thought for the price they could afford to put turn signals on those suckers.

I was in new employee training today, mind you I have been working there for 8 months, and we were examining gender roles and how they relate to sexual harassment. "Gone are the days of daddy leaving for work to be the breadwinner of the household while mommy stays home becoming the quintessential homemaker." that is not verbatium, but close. I thought since they were making the point that roles are reversing and rather than be a homemaker or breadwinner respectively, I would just usher into the new millenium and become a "home-winner" I figure that way I will never get cold in the rain, what with winning all the houses.....don't get me wrong breadmaker sounded okay, I just didn't want to go home with flour under my finger nails every night.

Yeah, I need to win the lotto or find a fun job.

Goodness, is everyone going to be a parent? I just have found myself in the midst of a rash of parents. They all went to HS with me too. AGH. I feel so very very far behind in the times. Maybe I should just get someone preggers and then force her to marry me for the "good of the child." Then my life will be complete. Don't get me wrong, there are a few, okay one parent out there that I think has done a great job of bouncing back from the whole thing, though I think she is defensive at times. I wish she would open up to me more. Oh well, thems the breaks.

So, I met someone. She is cool. I hope it grows. That is all I am saying b/c I probably already jinxed it. damn.

Give me a kiss to build a dream on....

Two things tonight. One, Money. I have been slowly and I repeat slowly making my way through Walden Pond. Namely the chapter on Economy, which haha is the first chapter. It is providing glorious insight on money and material things. I am looking at food and shelter in whole new ways. I mean, just for example, a roof over our heads used to be to keep out rain and winter and now it is to keep in privacy above all....strange how things change. What is neccesary and what is not. Currently I find myself in a position that I am no stranger to, and that is a lack of resources to accomodate my idea of life. I have not the required amount of money to pay my bills this month and while it is extinuating circumtances, I fear I will always be one step behind, sigh. I want more than I am trying after. What is neccesary and what is not? Two, for the longest time the only thing that I ever felt I truly NEEDED was someone to love. someone to have and to hold, blah. This is still true, alas. I just finished watching a French film called, "Jeux d'enfants" or Love me if you Dare. While extremely morbid and a bit off kilter, I found the essence, true love, to be left ringing in my ears. I want you. It scares me at the same time. I am afraid that every encounter I am going to ruin and I will never have you. I hope that I can find what I am looking for and in a way that I don't have to compromise for it. ah. Kristin is next to see who I am.....I just hope I can afford to take her out. gosh.

Today's key words are Infatuation and Time. Over time an infatuation can become stronger, to the point where it becomes dangerous. I used to be infatuated by Abbey, but overtime as it grew stronger and stronger and I lost more and more control of myself, it just faded away. This is probably preferable to stalking the other person or something worse, but then again I wonder if all the time I spent infatuated with Abbey is now wasted and that is time i will never see again. Eh.
I am infatuated with a woman I met a few weekends ago who didn't call me back. Similar to hot rachel, I hung out with her one night and now want her with my entire being. however, over time maybe this too will turn into nothing. When will the time come that an infatuation of mine will turn onto a budding relationship that will actually make me happy? What would I do then? hehe. I would probably freak out and eff it up. But I bet I would have a good time doing it. Ok so Abbey failed to call me back twice in a row. I can understand that, I am sure I have been a taxing friendship for her. I still love her. Now as for Kris, I will call her again on my break tonight, I have nothing to lose. Nothing.

see me smiling?

I just watched the "SnowBall Effect" a sweet doc on the making of the movie Clerks. This really opened my eyes, as something usually does every few months or so. It said, "Ian, make a damn movie. You talk about being a filmmaker and working on something, but you are almost 25 and haven't put that into play. Geez." So who is with me? who will encourage me to finish a script. This is the beginning and so far it has also been the end. I can't seem to get past the 5th page of anything i write anymore. I get down on my self and how I failed and then spirl down only to watch a movie a few months later and get the sensation again. I need something good, no really good to happen in my life that will give me a high or thrill that will propel me into actually commiting my time to this. I think I want this. I know I want this. damn

I just came back from Suzanne's going away Party. She is moving to London to teach for at least 3 yrs. It is lovely for her. After sitting there with my friends from high school ( Basically Suzanne and Jen and Gin) I got the distinct impression that I am not cool. I am not saying that they are cool or anything, but I just feel lame. This could have been directly related that I saw Gin again after some time and she as always looked smokin hot. Why does she invade my soul??? I want to meet someone new and now so I don't have to get depressed everytime Gi nand I happen to be around each other. I am still bitter though on how she can just turn off our realtionship like it doesnt exist and go about life. EGH. Whatev. Fuck it, but it did get to me just so you know. And another thing? Why doesnt anyone read this, I really am super uber uncool. adding adjectives to words is defintately not cool. Ah such is life.


Ian

Nobody Knows. Today Marty and I put down the deposit for a new apartment in Overland Park. It looks as though we are going to be living in Kansas for at least one more year. It kinda feels like I am going backwards and I hope to God Almighty that I can afford the extra $75 odd dollars a month that this transition will set me back, probably more like $100. I really think that this is going to really define how I am going to spend the rest of my life, will I stay here in the KC area or am I truely destined for greater things? We will see....

Today I have the sneaking suspicion that I can control my own fate. Should I call the girl, write a movie, touch someone's life? It is all at my fingertips and at the end of the day when I find that I have done none of these things and sat around wallowing in my laziness, well I guess that is of my own doing as well, of course. How do you move from thinking about every single detail of your life and how wondering where this decision will differ from the next, to actually jumping out of bed and managing to act out every fleeting idea that flutters past your little mind? I think the answer lies in the happiness of your soul and the movement to put away all the fear that we were raised up in. At some point it was put in my head that I can't do this. I will have to deal with embarassment and ridicule if I even attempt to do things. This is wrong and deep down I know that I will only see a greater respect, but then why do I still sit still? WHY? It is like I have been shot with a poison-tipped dart and now I find myself lying awkwardly on the ground paralysed and waiting to die. That my friends is a super sad image. sigh. shit. music is the only thing that keeps me from just crying and crying like James Lipton when moved by some lame movie he just saw.


Sig, Ian

Why is it not acceptable for grown-ups to run away from problems. I mean literally run. You always see kids who get embarassed just up and bolt down the hall, thus escaping an awkward situation. Now picture your father doing the same thing. Doesn't quite look right does it? Well at any rate, I guess people see it as a sign of weakness that is acceptable for children. Sometimes I wish I could just run away. Run fast like the wind and not look behind me for anything. Sometimes I wish I were a kid again. Sometimes I wish I could love again. Sometimes I wish I were never born. Sometimes I wish it would rain all day. Sometimes I wish my smile didn't have to go away. AH.

So what is the deal with guys that wear stocking caps in the summer? I saw a seemingly homeless man wearing a stocking cap, and it must be 80 degrees out. My theory is that the homeless don't really the time or utilities to use a mirror and comb their hair, so they just are seen insistently wearing hats.

Today for no reason what so ever, I had a really great day. For the first time in months I feel motivated to go and do thousands of things, like write in my Blog!!!

Well I went to Chicago and this gave me the opportunity to really look into the dating thing. I really do want to date, its just I never meet enough people to want to date. I sort am talking to someone that might be good for a makeout session at least, but I can't be stupid when the signs show up.

Abbey didn't call me on Sun like i was hoping.

Gin sent me an email inviting me to her house this weekend for a party, now why the crap couldn't she call or email me before that, it really makes me not want to go.

AHHHHHH. Girls of the world need to pine after me, this is bullshit.

Ah the infamous blog returns. It has been brought to my attention that this is not only a shameless plug for my troubled love life, but that it is also a warning sign of sorts that I am depressed. I guess that may hold true considering some of the reasons I come here to write. It seems recently that I have I think fully realized that both Abbey and Gin want nothing to do with me on a romantic level, yet I have a hunch that this will not stop my pining away for their love. Man am I lame or what? Girls, call me. hehe. On the roommate front, I am becoming increasingly annoyed at marty, well myself really. He is getting into the habit of pointing out everytime I am wrong about sonething, which it seems is alot. Now i can't tell whether I am growing more dumb by the day or if I am just falling into the routine of saying dumb things so Marty can jump all over my case about it. Sigh. I am probably going to move in with him in Aug. I live with him already for those of you keeping score at home, but it is a big house and I dont live exclusively with him. I guess it will be ok, as long as he stops peeing on the toilet seat and he cleans up, which I doubt will happen. I wish I could afford a place of my own and get a sweet job, but that is asking for too much. Damn this cruel cruel world. I would give it all away to be with Abbey, but only as long as she reciprocated my love for her. Cheers.

It turns out that Gin might be gaining on the old Abbs.

Abbey. I think I love her. My bad luck.

I am in love with the band Self tonight.