Another worthless day spent at home doing nothing...I am about to go to work at Osco and couldn't be more irritated by it. Where is the opportunity to get out of here? I am really not doing any of the things that I want to do here. Hell I am even striking out with girls, not that that was ever a strong suit for me. Maybe Marty is right, going back to school is the way to go. I think there is still alot to learn and I might as well do it now. I have been real concerned about my teeth lately too. I really want to see a periodontist about the possibility of a gum disease and maybe dental implants to make me more confident, this is perhaps my largest obstacle when it comes to confidence, thanks bro for ruining my mouth. You would think I would hold more of a grudge!

I am really getting down on myself lately. It has occured to me more than once that perhaps I need therapy. Seriously, when I sit down and actually think about how my life is going to turn out, it isn't pretty. To tell the truth I find comfort in the idea that noone ever reads this blog. If they did they might see this as a cry for help or some other bull crap. I was watching Almost Famous tonight trying to keep my mind off the fact that I am endlessly lonely and that I have been rejected. I want to be like Lester Bangs. I want to just stay up at all hours and write, write endlessly. But that is not who I am. I am depressive and I write it down. When I am around people, I tend to stay in a good mood, I never let on the tears that are so near the surface. I don't feel loved, I don't feel like I am going anywhere. For instance, I stayed home tonight, aside from josh stopping by to give me money, I was utterly alone. noone to call noone to be with. I called Beth when I got off work, and she didn't call me back. She must be avoiding me. I don't blame her I probably creeped her out. The real world looms closer and it scares the living crap out of me. I want to make movie, I want to meet actors and actresses I want to make a difference in this world. When will I do that?

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I may be doomed to a life of solitude, but for the record, I can not help under any circumstances but to be attracted to Abbey. She is so unbelievably sexy. I crave even a subtle touch. To some and probably to Abbey just hearing this would sound super preverted, but it isn't. I can't help the fact that she has a smokin' body and that I am totally attracted to her. Plus it isn't like she is all body and no brains, she is a total package. I dig her so much, but alas I am cursed and must keep these feelings to myself. If I tell her other wise she might pull away and never speak to me again. Tonight we lay on the couch and I rested my hand on her shoulder. A rush flooded my body. This girl was laying in her living room in a mere T-shirt and Jeans, nothing to terribly exciting, but just the idea that she wasn't wearinga bra...her skin was smooth and silky under her shirt, and as my hand moved across her I could only imagine what it must be like to explore that further. I know that may seem dirty, but she is unbelievable. I played with her hair for awhile and then reality set in and I reminded myself that she wants nothing to do with me romantically and I showed myself out. This coming on the heels of a wonderful rejection by Beth the night before, ah life is so not good :) hope your's is better.