I am really getting down on myself lately. It has occured to me more than once that perhaps I need therapy. Seriously, when I sit down and actually think about how my life is going to turn out, it isn't pretty. To tell the truth I find comfort in the idea that noone ever reads this blog. If they did they might see this as a cry for help or some other bull crap. I was watching Almost Famous tonight trying to keep my mind off the fact that I am endlessly lonely and that I have been rejected. I want to be like Lester Bangs. I want to just stay up at all hours and write, write endlessly. But that is not who I am. I am depressive and I write it down. When I am around people, I tend to stay in a good mood, I never let on the tears that are so near the surface. I don't feel loved, I don't feel like I am going anywhere. For instance, I stayed home tonight, aside from josh stopping by to give me money, I was utterly alone. noone to call noone to be with. I called Beth when I got off work, and she didn't call me back. She must be avoiding me. I don't blame her I probably creeped her out. The real world looms closer and it scares the living crap out of me. I want to make movie, I want to meet actors and actresses I want to make a difference in this world. When will I do that?

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