I decided this evening that I am living in a fairy tale without the happy ending. Well basically without the climax, the beginning or the happy ending. I am living my life day to day trying not to let things like bills or how well my car runs get to me. I try not to let the fact that Ginny the one girl I thought I could love whole heartedly doesn't want me. Through all this and probably a million other things that seem petty to everyone but me I have endured somehow. I manage a smile on my face, partly becasue I know deep down I know lots of other people have it worse than me. I am just an ordinary guy, and all I want is to be loved, is that so wrong? I read my horoscope, I drink chocolate milk, I hate money but could use more of it. I want to fly away to a distant country at a moments notice, I want to spend a weekend in Vegas. But, it seems, God doesn't have these things in my plan. There is a sinking feeling in my chest when I think about all this. I am utterly alone with this on my mind. It could drive someone nuts. But not me, I take it as it comes. I buy things I can't afford, I consider crying myself to sleep, but then decide that the depression that goes along with it is too much for even me to handle. My mother told me once shortly after my parents decided to separate and she revealed to me that her grandfather had abused her, it was a rather intimate setting just me and her on my bed, she told me never under any circumstance to bottle things in. This perhaps lead me to become a writer, spilling important facts about my life on paper. I try to share my feelings, and sometimes I feel I do it too often. At any rate, I have grown in the person I am today. I am nerotic, selfish at times, giving at other times, I have sincere feelings for dozens of people and I don't see myself changing. I may be insecure, I may even be fleetingly hopeless at times, but I take everyday as it comes and let things lie. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect, I have problems. It keeps me original, keeps me on my toes. Without struggle what do we have? I have a pit, a void within me that needs to be filled wants to be filled, but alas I don't know the first thing to do to fill it.