I think I need to start carrying a notepad around again. I know for a fact that I had at least three really cool thoughts today, but now that I am here writing, I can't think of any of them.

If anyone reading this has heard me sigh, they will know that I am very good at it. Why am I so weary?? Golly. Everytime I sigh, I feel as though there is a strong bittersweet moment dying to get out of my body, if I could harness the sigh and turn it into a novel, that would rock. speaking of rock, I wanna rock. I really really need to lay vocals down. I read in the paper today that 80% of "people surveyed" say they are most creative when they are driving in their car alone. if only a car was conducive to recording records, because it is true that is the place I am most comfortable.....

So I was thinking about something......


Ha. You really think I was going to tell you? Never. You know how people have dreams, wishes, desires? Well I do, but I don't put much stock in that. I am generally aware that most people probably find my blog depressing and lonely, which I guess I am going for. Self-Deprecation is something that has always kept me sane. Music helps too. I just watched the office series 2. It is quite a sad look at work and relationships in general. I can relate, even if they are british.

I want the bumpy road. I want love. I wish someone would come around to help me take the first step, because obviously my dumb ass can't do it. self-deprecation. It moves me. It consumes me. I hate it. I am starting to sound suicidal, that is silly. I have seen that up close and it scares me to no end. I would rather be sick and unhappy than be dead and nothing. Though I would rather be happy and content, I am just so tired of hoping or looking for it.

What a scary post....sigh. This is another Saturday night at home, it does things.

Oh dang. What is beauty? ha. I know it when I see it and it isn't always external. I think Abbey is what I want, but knowing that she doesn't want me, well that just hurts in a way. A very obvious way. I think every problem I ever had or created for myself stems from two things, I will outline them here.

1) Confidence. that is obvious, yet hard to acheive.
2) Motivation. this is tough to master, I find that it comes in spurts.

I will now refer to this as Confivation. I should find a book about it.....

Maybe I will call my web page, searching for confivation. or Motifidence. whatever..

Apathy. This is the word of the day. Vodka. This is the real word of the day. It treated me well last night. nice and smooth. I got home from the Cole's and wasn't tired. So as Marty went to bed, I set out to bore myself to death on the internet. But instead, I found out the Ben Folds new album leaked on the net and after I got a guy to send it to me, I preordered the album on a website! it was sweet. Then at about 3am I crashed, only to wake up at 6:15, not at all tired and craving pixie stix. I quenched my craving and haven't looked back since. Now I am debating whether to go see my Omi, I really don't want to go over to my uncle's but a ben folds lyric lingers in my head -- "I never visited my grandma, even once before she died, regrets..." -- So I will probably go against my will, they are lovely people my grandparents, we just have nothing important to talk about. Aw geez.

I am sitting here alone. This is not out of the ordinary by any means, but for some reason I am at peace. I probably have a million things I could be doing besides this, like recording vocals for my new song, but I don't feel like it. Earlier, I had an image of myself working at BCBSKC for hte rest of my life and coming home from work everyday and spending every weekend in my apt. doing nothing but watching TV. This is really what I do most of the time and it is weird to realize suddenly that that isn't a good thing. When I do it, I feel just fine, but I should get out more.

I need a haircut, maybe I should shave my head again. Anything to be lazy.....I am hungry but I have been eating ALL day.